Tuesday, September 12, 2017

I'm still standing

If you're my 3 year old, that title is followed by a "Yeah, yeah, yeah" ala the new animated movie, Sing. Or, if you're old like me, it sounds like Elton John.

I'm still standing... yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's kind of been a year.

In retrospect, from this date last year until today has been the most difficult, the most challenging, and the most exhausting of years. We went from back injury, debilitating pain, to back surgery to recovery. And that was just before Thanksgiving! We pretended all was fine.. took family photos, had an American Girl Doll infested Christmas morning (totally broke too by the way), January brought a new job with my hubs now working from home too, birthdays...

And then February, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. There was an invasion of anxiety, an emotional hurricane, insomnia, a barrage of appointments, a massive 7 hour long surgery, an intense 4 week long recovery, and then well... somehow life went on... (and she's cancer free now!! WOOT GO MOM!)

Somewhere in there I went on 7 business trips to Oregon and California.

I celebrated my 40th Birthday with an amazing weekend in wine country.

I drank coffee. I worked. I ate. I tried to sleep.

Until May, I kept up with some form of exercise. Somewhere in May, the exercise went off the schedule... but life kept on giving.

I ate.

I tried to adjust to the new normal.

I drank.

I tried to sleep.

Somehow, 3 months past. I stopped traveling, but Hubs started. He's been gone more weeks than he's been home. I keep the household running. I kept the kids engaged somehow (school, camp, home, I'm not even sure how). I kept my job.

Seriously, there were days that I wasn't even sure I could keep my job, let alone my sanity.

Last week, I raised my hand. Consider it a mayday. I'm sinking...

Too many times this summer I ate without thought... but worse, I drank without thought. Wine became my refuge. It wasn't just a fun foodie adult thing to partake. It was becoming destructive and I was replacing good behaviors with bad. Self destructive, solitary, addiction-forming behaviors.

I'm done with that.

I don't want to spend my days self-medicating, whether it be sugar or alcohol. I don't want any substance to have that control over me. I know the feeling. I've been down that road. Thankfully, I'm self aware enough to put the brakes on. What I have to wonder if why I let it get as far as it does?!

I raised my hand. It was time to come up for air and to say, ummmm.... I'm off course. I need a correction. It's not just about weight people, it's about wellness. I'm not well. Just like those after school public service announcements say: knowing is half the battle.

I'm moving on to the other half of the battle.

I've got myself a week into my old routine. New Direction shakes, mindful eating, exercising. It's all coming back to me, including the feelings of control and clarity. I'm  also trying out a new medicine that my Dr. recommended - a diabetes med (odd - I'm not diabetic) that has been cleared for weight control. It's called Victoza. It helped me get over the initial sugar / carb withdrawal and makes you feel full. When I was younger I would have rolled my eyes at taking a med for self control issues, but I'm no longer that proud. Better to get help when you need it than to live in denial.

Denial no more.

I've lost 10lbs since I started last week. I feel better already. I've got another 20 to go to be down where I'm much happier - and another 10-15 after that to get back to my trail running self. Good thing it's the beginning of the good weather here in Arizona. I intend to get back out there.

1 comment:

Mary DiPaolo,M.A., LLP said...

Go Mara! Great post! Thanks for sharing!