Ten years ago I was 29. You'd think this would be been a stellar year for my young adult self. It was a great year in terms of being a newlywed, being young, being in love...
Being trapped in my body. That's what I felt, trapped. I didn't feel that my body allowed me to do the things I wanted to do. I distinctly remember shopping for this Disney trip. Nothing fit. Nothing I wanted to wear was even remotely close to working out. Even shoes were a problem. The skin on my heels were literally cracked from the weight I was carrying. Walking around Epcot was slow and tortuous, even as we assumed what my Hubs likes to call "Disney speed".
I came across this album as I unpacked some things in our new house last week. I don't have a lot of BEFORE photos. My big girl photos usually involved me hiding behind something - a person - or just cropping my body out entirely. Who needs to see THAT? But these two pics... these are gems in the BEFORE world:
Needless to say. I was a big girl. I ate. I just ate whatever whenever. There was no effort to restrict my behavior at all. Part of it was as a result of quitting smoking (yes, dear readers, yours truly might have an addictive personality - ESTP anyone?), and replacing that habit with food.
But what was I getting at? Why wasn't I able to control myself? This and other questions swirled in my head this week as I lamented this BEFORE pic and bantered with my New Direction Diet support group at Arizona Health & Wellness about addiction generally and food addiction specifically. Yep. I have an addictive trait in my personality. I can see the pattern - when I phase out one crutch... cigarettes, food... other anxiety activities sneak back in... the evening glass of wine, my chewed up finger nails.
For me, the thing that keeps me sane.... keeps me under some control is to harness the nervous / anxious energies into exercise. Some days I'm better than others. But if I've worked out, I seem to have a better sense of calm to my day. Which leads to the 2016 AFTER pics. I'm not one for full body selfies (how the heck do people take these gracefully?) but really, it was time.... I mean, 39 is the new 29, right?!
XJL is photobombing this selfie this morning, she asks me: "Mommy, why are you taking a picture of yourself?" and I said, "Well, Mommy has some friends that have supported me while I was on my diet, and they want to see how I am doing." Apparently that was satisfactory. I don't want my kids to worry about what they look like. I want them to be healthy, active and joyful. The best way I can make that happen is be healthy, active and joyful myself. And maintain my sanity, which apparently involves a lot of planks and kettlebells.