Wednesday, June 22, 2016

2006 vs 2016

Ten years ago I was 29. You'd think this would be been a stellar year for my young adult self. It was a great year in terms of being a newlywed, being young, being in love...

Being trapped in my body. That's what I felt, trapped. I didn't feel that my body allowed me to do the things I wanted to do. I distinctly remember shopping for this Disney trip. Nothing fit. Nothing I wanted to wear was even remotely close to working out. Even shoes were a problem. The skin on my heels were literally cracked from the weight I was carrying. Walking around Epcot was slow and tortuous, even as we assumed what my Hubs likes to call "Disney speed".

I came across this album as I unpacked some things in our new house last week. I don't have a lot of BEFORE photos. My big girl photos usually involved me hiding behind something - a person - or just cropping my body out entirely. Who needs to see THAT? But these two pics... these are gems in the BEFORE world:

Needless to say. I was a big girl. I ate. I just ate whatever whenever. There was no effort to restrict my behavior at all. Part of it was as a result of quitting smoking (yes, dear readers, yours truly might have an addictive personality - ESTP anyone?), and replacing that habit with food.

But what was I getting at? Why wasn't I able to control myself? This and other questions swirled in my head this week as I lamented this BEFORE pic and bantered with my New Direction Diet support group at Arizona Health & Wellness about addiction generally and food addiction specifically. Yep. I have an addictive trait in my personality. I can see the pattern  - when I phase out one crutch... cigarettes, food... other anxiety activities sneak back in... the evening glass of wine, my chewed up finger nails.

For me, the thing that keeps me sane.... keeps me under some control is to harness the nervous / anxious energies into exercise. Some days I'm better than others. But if I've worked out, I seem to have a better sense of calm to my day. Which leads to the 2016 AFTER pics. I'm not one for full body selfies (how the heck do people take these gracefully?) but really, it was time.... I mean, 39 is the new 29, right?!

XJL is photobombing this selfie this morning, she asks me: "Mommy, why are you taking a picture of yourself?" and I said, "Well, Mommy has some friends that have supported me while I was on my diet, and they want to see how I am doing." Apparently that was satisfactory. I don't want my kids to worry about what they look like. I want them to be healthy, active and joyful. The best way I can make that happen is be healthy, active and joyful myself. And maintain my sanity, which apparently involves a lot of planks and kettlebells.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Until further notice: Celebrate Everything

I put a new cover photo up on my personal Facebook page today. It is a saying I also have above my kitchen sink:

Until Further Notice: Celebrate Everything

This saying really jumped out at me this morning as I had, in my own mind, every reason to start to get very downward spirally --- like - you know, that moment when you realize your going to be spouse-less next week with the kids due to spouses business travel, and missing the spouse for possibly a week out of each of the upcoming 4 months... and that fellowship you're hosting on Sunday afternoon in 105 degree desert heat when your ice maker is lacking and your floor is covered with juice box straw wrappers and crumbs from Smart Food and graham crackers. Little girl underwear are donning the floor in most of the rooms you enter and your husbands wrinkled shirts are forgotten in the dyer.... you know, that kind of thing. ... every reason to be downward spirally.

So, yeah.... Celebrate. That's what I've decided to do.

In other meaningless randomness, I happened upon a video today on Facebook. One of the fitness sites posted it. It was an interview with a gal who had lost 100lbs, and she talks about how, even after she lost the weight, she was still the same in that she thought she couldn't do stuff. It wasn't until she allowed herself to try... allowed herself to accept herself... that she was able to celebrate her body and all its strength and in her words, worth.

Celebrate your body. 

I've certainly been careening between pride in my bodily accomplishments and realism in that, well... it's just my body. But my body allows me to experience this life, in all of it's glory, and I feel so much stronger, so much healthier, so much more Eddy now that I am not afraid. Afraid of not fitting.. afraid of the muffin top... afraid of the huffing and puffing.. afraid of what I can't do.

Celebrate that you can. 

My cleanse went well. I'm done with it of course, and I wish I could say I've been good since. I haven't. Last week was tough. The kids were home during the first week of school which kept me from the gym. I picked up the kettlebell and made myself sore with that. I was having cardio withdrawal by Saturday and rode my bike to the gym early - it was closed. Go figure.

Celebrate good intentions.

This week is going better. I've gotten to the gym and gotten my cardio fix for the past 3 days. Running, stepping, rowing. Planking, squatting, lifting. I still sporting my momma belly but it's smaller and overall I feel pretty darn strong these days.

Celebrate strength. 

But it is in my weakness that I realize that I am just human, doing my human thing. We all fall down. We all fail. We all lift ourselves back up and keep on keepin on. There is no person that can deliver us from all the crumbs and wrinkled shirts and worse... God's strength is made perfect in weakness. He is the only one who can deliver us from this life.

Celebrate Him.