Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Is it a gift?

I've hidden something for a long time. As a teenager, when it happened, I squashed it down, like a rising tide. Don't do it! Don't let it happen.

Don't let them see you.


Usually it is the hymns. Old hymns. New Hymns. I remember standing in Concert Choir at the Stony Brook School - the performance lights shining on us - and pushing my knees together. Don't cry. Not here, not now.

I didn't know what it was. This wave of emotion sweeps up over me.

I pushed back the feeling. In choir. At church. At the sight of my kids. At the bang of emotion.

I thought I had it all under control. Saying goodbye to people. Saying happy to see you again. Tears. WHY? Why am I the only person that seems unable to contain myself? I feel like John Boehner.

It happened at Mary & Martha conference last year. I wasn't alone.

It happened again this year. My roommate leaned over and said: "We're all crying. It's the Spirit."

When I sing, I don't raise my hands up as a child to God. But in my heart, I do. I am a child needing the Father. And when I get that feeling, it's tears. As I type that, it's happening.

"How marvelous. How boundless. Is your love. Is your love..." but there's a modern skeptic in me shouting: Come on, my Soul! Come on!!!

I get absolutely overwhelmed by love for me that I don't deserve. Joy. Gratitude. Vulnerability.

This Sunday, it was just the girls and me at church. Hubs was traveling. I became absolutely breathless. I decided to just let it out. Like watching Bette Midler in Beaches.... blubbering... I'm frankly not sure there was actual blubbering but it sure felt like I was bubbling over.

and all because "It is well in my soul."

Not sure why crying seems to be my response to wellness, but there it is. I was reading Philippians Sunday night. Something made me wonder what people say about tears and the Spirit. Google.

Apparently, Tears are a Gift. I read a bit. Human. Humility. Joy. Humbling. Yep. All of that. I'm usually so proud to have it all together - maybe tears are my spiritual surrender. I'll give it to God and make the following prediction: the tears aren't going to be stopping any time soon.

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