Friday, July 17, 2015

Filet & Wine

I'm who-knows-how-many-weeks into the New Direction diet. It is a new direction... on the scale! I'm losing about a half pound a day and seeing a steady march down the scale.

It's glorious.

And depressing. Two weeks ago, I was all "I'm-afraid-of-food-who-needs-it". Now, I can't tell you how much I miss food. 

The variety. The heat. The spices. The satisfaction. 

Eating has become perfunctory and boring. I am one of those people that would think to the next meal:

What am I going to have for dinner? Where should we go? Well, we can't have italian cause we had pizza for lunch. Thai? We could do that, but I'm really feeling mexican.... 

Not so much now. My doctor told me at my appointment 3 weeks ago- in another month, you'll be missing food. She was right. I guess I should have trusted her. 

So with this as the backdrop, I've had a tough week. Hubs traveled last week and for some reason I felt the need to bake.... cakes... and make homemade buttercream icing. Just cause, well, you know. Yep, a spoon of buttercream sneaked into my mouth. I can't tell you HOW that happened. 

Monday morning I packed the older girls off and headed to the Hyatt Regency Gainey Ranch in Scottsdale. With my blender bottle and protein shakes in tow. Every meal was a struggle. I can't tell you how much I wanted a pina colada by the pool, a margarita with gaucomole, and a glass of wine with my dinner. 

I resisted. One meal, two meals, three meals. On the last night at dinner, my willpower failed. I had even eaten a pudding before we went down to the restaurant cause I could feel my weakness. I rationalized my way into it. I'll only eat protein, no carbs. I'll order from the "healthy choices" menu. Maybe I'll even get tofu?! (I know, some of you are wondering what's the point of cheating if you're going to get tofu, but let me tell you, I'd take cardboard if it was grilled up just right at this point). 

I did it. I ordered a 4 oz. grassfed (my nutritionist says this is important) filet mignon. Ordered a $16 glass of California Cabernet Sauvignon and sat back with a smug satisfaction. 

I'm alive again. 

Enjoyed every drop of wine and bite of meat. No sauce on my plate, but add a dollop of goat cheese. 

And....................... the suffering. My stomach felt like I ate a brick. The wine gave me a raging headache. I knew I would pay for it but holy smokes. This was some real karma. 

My diet cheat came right around half way thru. Down 30 lbs and got 30 lbs to go. I'm trying to show myself a healthy dose of grace. I will need to learn to eat again but right now my body feels so clean and so pure - having that steak and wine was a good lesson. The temptation is so great and the satisfaction is so little. Writing this down will help me when I need to start to make my own food decisions again. Sooooooooo not ready.

Total weight lost to date: 32lbs
Weight til goal: 26lbs

1 comment:

Britta said...

Tell me more about your diet! Or rather your mindset. How did you turn the corner? I am on the slow slide, down into obesity...not really, not yet. But I am at my "max" and have been for about a depressing. Love and hate food. My feelings about food, about myself...oy! Just started exercising again. So there's that! Would love to hear more about how you stay motivated!!!