Thursday, July 30, 2015

What feeds you?

"Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller 

If your friends with me on Facebook, you know that last weekend I flew to St. Louis and met up with my wonderful Mary & Martha sisters for National Conference. This is the 3rd major trip I've taken since I started the New Direction Very Low Calorie Diet thru Arizona Health & Wellness

My business trip to Seattle was early on and my confidence wasn't great. But I did okay. My staycation at the Hyatt Gainey Ranch in Scottsdale was very tough with smells and wine lists haunting my dreams. This past weekend was a breeze. Not that the Renaissance Conference Center disappointed - it didn't. But as I was chatting with a friend yesterday and she commented about how much diligence I showed in not eating a bite of the food, my thought was: 

 What feeds me? 

I didn't miss food this weekend because I was getting fed in so many other ways. I love people and I had tons of old and new friends to share life with. I love Mary & Martha so I was sustained by the excitement of the new Fall product reveal. I was yearning for worship and found the testimony and inspiration wash over me and cleanse me. I was moved to tears by the music and humbled by the simple message that God is still pursuing me - even in all my mess. 

That feeds much more than my stomach. So I am fed now, in a different way. I am fed and I am grateful. I don't need to stuff myself to paralysis out of fear and stress. It is okay to be hungry, in fact it feels good to want. I've got a lot more places I want to go in this body, a lot more to experience and share and I am hungry for that. Those opportunities are far more memorable than a milkshake. 

What feeds you? 

What feeds your soul? Your marriage? Your kids? Your business? What makes you hope when all else seems lost? 

So keep on, good friends. For we've got the gift of grace to sustain us and hope to propel us forward. And most importantly, the verse after this one -- "This hope doesn’t put us to shame, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Now that is some serious food -  let that fill you up. 

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Run Your Race

Sometimes it is hard for us to understand of how much we are capable. God is cheering us on after every fall! God loves us. He wants us to win. In all areas of my life, it is time get up - stop licking my wounds - keep running the race. There is a good test, if we're still alive, our work here is not done. We've got work to do. Best get on with it. What do you need to tackle? Weight loss to date: 40lbs Weight til goal: 18lbs

Friday, July 17, 2015

Filet & Wine

I'm who-knows-how-many-weeks into the New Direction diet. It is a new direction... on the scale! I'm losing about a half pound a day and seeing a steady march down the scale.

It's glorious.

And depressing. Two weeks ago, I was all "I'm-afraid-of-food-who-needs-it". Now, I can't tell you how much I miss food. 

The variety. The heat. The spices. The satisfaction. 

Eating has become perfunctory and boring. I am one of those people that would think to the next meal:

What am I going to have for dinner? Where should we go? Well, we can't have italian cause we had pizza for lunch. Thai? We could do that, but I'm really feeling mexican.... 

Not so much now. My doctor told me at my appointment 3 weeks ago- in another month, you'll be missing food. She was right. I guess I should have trusted her. 

So with this as the backdrop, I've had a tough week. Hubs traveled last week and for some reason I felt the need to bake.... cakes... and make homemade buttercream icing. Just cause, well, you know. Yep, a spoon of buttercream sneaked into my mouth. I can't tell you HOW that happened. 

Monday morning I packed the older girls off and headed to the Hyatt Regency Gainey Ranch in Scottsdale. With my blender bottle and protein shakes in tow. Every meal was a struggle. I can't tell you how much I wanted a pina colada by the pool, a margarita with gaucomole, and a glass of wine with my dinner. 

I resisted. One meal, two meals, three meals. On the last night at dinner, my willpower failed. I had even eaten a pudding before we went down to the restaurant cause I could feel my weakness. I rationalized my way into it. I'll only eat protein, no carbs. I'll order from the "healthy choices" menu. Maybe I'll even get tofu?! (I know, some of you are wondering what's the point of cheating if you're going to get tofu, but let me tell you, I'd take cardboard if it was grilled up just right at this point). 

I did it. I ordered a 4 oz. grassfed (my nutritionist says this is important) filet mignon. Ordered a $16 glass of California Cabernet Sauvignon and sat back with a smug satisfaction. 

I'm alive again. 

Enjoyed every drop of wine and bite of meat. No sauce on my plate, but add a dollop of goat cheese. 

And....................... the suffering. My stomach felt like I ate a brick. The wine gave me a raging headache. I knew I would pay for it but holy smokes. This was some real karma. 

My diet cheat came right around half way thru. Down 30 lbs and got 30 lbs to go. I'm trying to show myself a healthy dose of grace. I will need to learn to eat again but right now my body feels so clean and so pure - having that steak and wine was a good lesson. The temptation is so great and the satisfaction is so little. Writing this down will help me when I need to start to make my own food decisions again. Sooooooooo not ready.

Total weight lost to date: 32lbs
Weight til goal: 26lbs

Monday, July 6, 2015

Food? Who needs it?

I started this crazy diet on June 4, 2015.

Today is July 6, 2015. .

31 days.

What have I eaten? Well, that's a much smaller list than what I haven't. Here's what I've got going in my tummy over the course of the month:

Chocolate Shake with Fiber
Vanilla Shake with Fiber
Mocha Shake
Lemon Pudding with Fiber
Vanilla Pudding
Chocolate Pudding
Vegetarian Sloppy Joe
Vegetarian Chili

Each of these items is pre-engineered to contain 200 cals and 1/3rd of my daily nutrients. I have graduated down from 4 of the above items a day to 3.

Items not pre-engineered but ok:

Hot Sauce

Torani Sugar Free Salted Caramel Coffee flavor
Torani Sugar Free Hazelnut Coffee flavor
Almond Extract
Peppermint Tea
Chocolate / Hazelnut Tea
and I've drank 2 - yes, 2, diet sodas

I'm at this strange junction. I miss food. I mean... I reaaaaallllllly miss food.... but I am also kind of afraid of it. I can handle feeding the kids. I can handle eating out with the family (although this weekend we had the longest meal ever at some brew house and I kind wanted to jump up and scream). Sometimes the smells get to me... like pizza... or Subway... or cookies. But for the most part. I am ok. When I have been hungry or feeling weak, I've let myself have that 4th meal replacement. Would rather do that than scarf down 1200 calories of nothing that would cause my system to have a complete panic in its ketogenic state.

I'm thinking another month of full meal replacements and we will see where I am at. I am scared to have options again. I don't trust myself. I've lost the weight before and I've gained it back. Clearly I am not good at making my own decisions! There is some element of beauty in just doing what you are told. I miss the social aspect of eating. Hubs and I were at a loss about how to celebrate our anniversary - normally we'd eat! My doctor says that in another month, I'll be dying for real food. Maybe.....

Here's where I am:

Total weight lost to date: 26.5 lbs
Weight to lose to goal: 31.5 lbs
Inches lost in my waist: 12 inches
Blood Pressure change: From 130/82 to 112/70
Total Cholesterol: 154 to 100
Triglycerides: 159 to 79

Have I mentioned I'm an emotional / stress eater? So, we're buying a house in August.
This is going to go well......