A couple years ago (I like to think it was last year, but it has been 4 years now) I documented a weight loss journey on this blog. The blog began to have a singular focus. Week in and week out, I documented, I logged, I counted, I lost.
I like that girl. I like her energy. Her spunk. Her excitement. Her dedication.
Now, I find I recall her like my old college days. Fun, adventurous, but not really me. But that was me and darn it, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
So, it's time to look in the mirror. It has been 4 years since I lost 100 lbs. I haven't gained it all back yet, but I've slowly and steadily started putting it back on... a missed half marathon, a baby, a disc profusion at my L4/L5 and voila! I am pretty much back in the starting gate.
I was in denial. I was hoping I'd get control. I didn't. So it is time to get a swift kick in the rather large buttocks and do something.
I start this week.
And this time it is different. As much as I'd like to just start counting calories and working out. I have learned over the past 4 years, I am getting older. I don't really trust my body anymore, and I don't trust my own judgment. This time, I've got a doctor. The doctor has a plan. The doctor has a contract. The doctor will prescribe the food and other than that, I've just got to follow directions and not lose myself somewhere. There is more to it - there is a program - it's almost crazy that I've decided to undertake, but I feel like crazy is pretty much what it has to be to get thru my thick skin that I need to be a better steward of the body that God gave me.
So, tomorrow I go in for my lab work. I had my full initial consultation on Friday - which included and EKG while I was on a treadmill (that was fun and unexpected) - and I've got 4 boxes of food that will comprise the first 7 days of food (I am using the word food loosely here... not sure whether this stuff qualifies yet). No wine. No soda. No coffee. Did you hear that?! NO COFFEE?! What am I doing?!
There is a binder full of information that I have been working thru, one of my assignments is to create goals and think about WHY I want to lose weight. Some of my reasons are the same, some are different from last time. Here is a countdown of sorts:
12. Wear heels comfortably
11. Not see the eyes groan when someone has to sit down next to me on the plane
10. To cross my legs again
9. Shop in normal sizes
8. To rock my "skinny" jeans
7. Run... by myself and with my girls
6. Horseback ride with my girls
5. Sit comfortably on a Disney ride
4. Allow my body to be a testament to my stewardship of the gifts God has given me.
3. To be healthy
2 To be fearless
1. To give myself a future for whatever it may bring
I can't say that this time will be different. It may not be. But I have have faith in the God that gives me new mercies every morning. It isn't all about me anymore. It is about giving Him the glory and it is about what I am giving back to Him by taking back control of me. That makes it different. Whether I succeed or not in reaching that magic number, I'm already forgiven for my failures. Now it is time to show myself some grace and try again. Trying to find some balance in this....