Tuesday, September 30, 2014


My job is to assess risk. I gather information. I prioritize issues. I break it down. I boil it up. I must decide what strategy to employ. I position the case. I pick the number. I roll the dice.

I am employed to make decisions. Hopefully I make good ones that protect the Company. My decisions, at the end of the day are what determine whether I am a top performer or a poor performer.

I'll be honest here - I am lucky. I am really lucky. For the most part, making decisions comes easy to me. It is something that is built into my personality.

When the family can't decide where to vacation- I do.  Where to eat after church? I got that. Date night? I'll handle it. Car to buy? Got it.

I don't labor things. I do them. I am a doer. Yes or no. Now or later. I'll make the call. When you aren't afraid of making decisions, life seems pretty easy. You skim the paragraph and the answer jumps out. You read the headlines and see the meaning. Things are clear. Purpose comes with ease.

I have, for many months now, felt a good deal of unease. I have felt the sands shifting. Almost as if the foundation was shaking. I have not faced an big decisions yet but I know they are coming. That unease makes me wonder and all of a sudden the purpose isn't so clear and the answers not as easy.

I have started to wonder. Started to worry..

When it comes to the big decisions - the personal life decisions - the ones that risk safety and security - the ones that involve leaving what I know  - the ones that you dream of making but fear of failing -- those decisions.. will it be so easy? Will I make the right one?

When I assess the risk in my own life, will I shy away with fear? Will I boldly proclaim who I am and what I stand for? Will leap with faith or seek refuge in the things I know and play it safe?

The unease has been foreboding an approaching period in my life where I will be assessing. It is coming. I will need to determine the risk. I will need to make decisions. I suspect the unease is that the Spirit knows what is coming, and He has me preparing. I am fortifying myself to face fears that I have happily ignored for many years. I will trust His promise. I will trust His timing. I will trust that the decision that I am making - it is His. I give it to God. I will end up... We will end up...where we are meant to be. I can either allows the unease and fear seep into my daily life or I can rest easy, knowing my lighthouse will carry me safe to shore.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

September 10

13 years ago on September 10 I had never known fear. I knew summers riding horses on Long Island. I knew weekend train rides to New York City to saunter down 5th Avenue in the pre-Christmas snow flurries. I knew exchange adventures in Europe. I knew packing up my parents Infiniti to head off to Bucknell University. I knew interviewing to get my first job with Travelers. I knew moving into my own apartment in White Marsh, Maryland.

I knew the suburbs. I knew security. I knew privilege.

I did not know fear.

September 10, 2001 was the last day of my youth. It was the last day of my innocence.

Today, 13 years later, I mourn the loss of that innocence. The world then it was sweet. It was untouched. It was insulated. It may have been just a facade but to me, it was real and it was sweet.

Now, we know. We know that there are many people in the world who hate us. Who want to hurt us. We know, without a doubt, that evil exists. We experienced something so cataclysmic that the foundation of understanding was shaken. That morning we came to understand hate. We unite in our fear, and we united to respond to the hate... but as the Towers came down, so did the scales from our eyes.

It is with a horrifying sense of foreboding that I sit here and write to you today. So many feelings from 2001 are swirling in my heart. It may simply be that I know that we are not immune. Having lived thru 2001, there is no amount of preparedness that can quell the panic in your heart when you see something - like planes flying into buildings - that you have never even conceived of - something so truly terrifying that it defies understanding. That fear is so pervasive, so real, so terrifying that it is crippling.

But we can't. We can't live. We can't live with. We can't live with that. We can't live with that fear.

There is only one response to that fear. Only one response that can conquer it, in our hearts, and in our lives. That is hope. Hope for us thru God's saving grace. That is all we have when the lights go out and the evil threatens to consume our souls. God's sweet grace is our light and He tells us: Do not Fear. Over and over He tells us.

So it is September 10th again. I may be sitting here with scales having fallen from my eyes. But I have hope. Hope in God's grace no matter what tomorrow brings. Pray tonight for country. Pray for our leaders. Pray for the souls of those who taken up arms against us so that they may see the error of their ways. Pray to give them hope of something greater than the evil that lives in them. Pray for God's will to be done. Pray for justice and pray for peace. Pray that if we are faced with hard decisions that we go forth with strong Christian discernment and purpose. Pray for healing. Pray for God's love to sweep across the Earth like the great flood and anoint us all.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Mind over matter or some such nonsense

When you admit just a smidgen of defeat, they take over. They swarm in when they sense vulnerability, and they take up residence... in this case, first in my eyes and the back of my throat. Then after 2 days of non-stop headache, they move.. like little green men they march, down the back of your throat, into your sinuses and then your lungs..

And I hack. And I hack. And I HACK a LUNG up. 

Or so it feels. 

I'll just be honest here. I"m a terrible sick person. I get MAD that I am sick.  But I refuse to stop. I refuse to take drugs. I refuse the doctor. I"m just a royal pain in the you-know-what. And I'm mad. Ask Hubs, he'll tell you. 

There is certainly some Mary Baker Eddy DNA hanging around in these bones. If you don't know, Mary Baker Eddy is the founder of the Christian Science ChurchChristian Scientists see their religion as consistent with mainstream Christian theology, despite key differences. In particular they subscribe to a radical form of philosophical idealism, believing that reality is purely spiritual and the material world an illusion. This includes the view that disease is a mental error rather than physical disorder, and that the sick should be treated, not by medicine, but by a form of prayer that seeks to correct the beliefs responsible for the illusion of ill health...

I've been guilty of espousing Mary Baker Eddy-like stuff - Mind over Matter! But there are just times when it isn't possible, and that we have to fall back to God's grace as the only healing agent in our arsenal of medicines. NyQuil can get me thru a night, but God can get me thru eternal damnation. I've got a couple of days of a hacking cough. I haven't been to the gym since Friday. I'm tired and I can't stop doing whatever it is that appears too important not to do. But He's got this. He's got me. And because of that, I'm ok.

Oh, and if you haven't seen me in like a week, this is why.