Last week I blogged about my "My God Loves Me Love Story". It is a clear example of how God has cared for me in my daily life whether or not I deserved it, whether or not I even recognized it at the time, he has loved me in all my utter failings. He has loved me when I've denounced Him. He has loved me despite the sin of my flesh, the sin of my thoughts, the sin of my hopes. He has loved me when I deserved the ultimate judgment. He loved me all the way to the cross.
My hubs and I decided two weeks ago to start spending Tuesday nights together. Even though neither of us perhaps said it aloud, I will say for me, I wanted to do this because.. .
We are in a really good place right now. I feel very open to God's will for me. Part of it is the desire to be a better Mom and to run a Christ centered home. Part of it is realizing that I am horribly self centered and I want to be more giving, more hospitable. I am business minded and resilient and fail to acknowledge my vulnerabilities as a means to sweep them and my insecurities under the rug. I need God. Recognizing this need is new. I want to know myself as a child of God in a way that I've not desired before. I want to be a better wife to my husband - a supporting, loving wife - a role that doesn't come easy to me.
There are a couple of reasons why this time seems so pivotal right now. I've always admired my Hubs manly faithfulness. Manly faithfulness? That's a strange juxtaposition, but he is. He is quiet but thoughtful. For the past year, I've watch with amazement and a bit of jealousy at his daily devotions every morning. He reads. He prays. He tries really hard. He puts his arm around me at church, or his hand on my knee during each prayer. I know he desires to be closer to me and closer to God. That he wants us together in covenant marriage.
But, he's been doing it alone. I'm a pray at night girl. I pray before I sleep and usually fall asleep doing it. There isn't a lot of thought put into it, and it is haphazard like a lot of other things in my life. It isn't a productive way to pursue a relationship with God. It is an exhale on my day.
But that is changing. I now see that we have been doing it apart. We need to do it together. He needs me and I certainly need him. Until recently we haven't talked about that. We haven't prayed together -- we haven't thanked God together. I know a lot of that comes down to my awkwardness -- for whatever reason, I have a stumbling block on praying aloud - praying with an audience - but I want to. I pray for Hubs now more than ever. I pray short prayers all day long now. I pray for the future husbands of my girls. I pray for Him to ease my fears. I pray for him to allow me to give me the tools to be a more faithful friend to my Hubs. I pray that He helps me be more giving of myself. I pray that God makes me more vulnerable to my husband's love.
So, we're starting with Tuesday nights. We are reading together. Last night we read about friendship in marriage and while it was really important to hear certain things, I kept thanking God -- I have a great friendship with my spouse. God has blessed us with much and friendship is the crucial glue that keeps us together and laughing. I still have a heck of a time allowing myself to just be - I am a Type A extrovert with a tendency to control and judge - but God blessed me with my partner in life who is teaching me that it is ok to feel, it is ok to trust and ok to allow for events to unfold on their own. To be prayerful and accepting of His grace. This is all new to me...
So we are reading. My hubs picked the book and it is thought provoking - Real Marriage by Mark Driscoll. Two weeks into our new routine, I have some thoughts on the content of the book itself, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that we are praying together - reading together - and talking together - in a way that we haven't routinely done before. It is a small thing but it is doing wonders in my heart.