Monday, April 22, 2013

Tanks and Cheetos

An old friend asked me recently how my writing is going. My writing, as if such a thing exists. As if there is a dedicated shelf on our old Ikea shelves for those precious Mara authored volumes. I used to expel all the daily garbage that goes thru my head into a journal, so for portions of my life, those volumes exist. But lately? Nope. There are no volumes. There's still lots of garbage going around in this head, and I should probably be more productive in actually trying to quantify those thoughts, formalize them, memorialize them for all time, but nope, not today.

Or maybe not....

I've been feeling rather tired as of late, and grumpy, and a bit moody. I am currently chastizing myself for tearing into a big bag of Cheetos, and now my finger nails are a lovely shade of neon orange. Other than the Cheetos, I've actually been doing fairly well on the Eddy-reunion-diet-tour. (Reunion with what? - You ask. Nothing, but it has a nice ring to it, no?) I've been breaking a sweat every day and keep the calories under control. I haven't been hungry either, which is a plus, and other than the Cheetos, I've been fairly good at keeping the junk under control. So, boo-yeah! Go Eddy!

... I think the country collectively has gone thru quite an emotional roller coaster this past week. I look out my window, and with the desert in bloom, and the palo verde covered in yellow, I can't quite grasp the horror that my friends and countrymen experienced in Boston this time last week. Of course, I think it is natural to wonder, what would I do if I had a terrorist hiding in a boat in my backyard... but despite that very natural response of wondering what my own fortitude would be in such a moment, I tend to be less emotional and more political. I know, I know, always Eddy with the politics. I don't know what it is in my DNA (Dad, maybe?), that makes me a political animal. But while others are wondering what they would do with a terrorist in their backyard, I have a much broader fundamental concern - not what would MY reaction be, But what should our collective reaction be? And this is where I pretty much annoy people, cause I seem incapable of just accepting and trusting. I really, intensely, sympathize with the founding fathers in their distrust of government... and so my mind starts to wander.... if the mainstream media has anything to say about it, I'm in the minority. But you know, I don't think that I am. I can't imagine everyone in this country is A-OK with tanks rolling down the street searching for a 19 year citizen-boy who failed Marytrdom-101 but being taken alive at the end of this.... but I'm wading into dangerous territory again.

So, I'll eat some Cheetos and stop writing. Resume normal complacency on an otherwise seemingly normal day in this country. Or at least, what seemed extraordinary last Monday may be the new normal. I, for one, truly hope not.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Yo-Yo

There is no shame in starting over. Only in quitting.

This blog, this attitude, this diet, needs a renovation. Life is a journey, and unfortunately not all of that journey is forward. Sometimes we fall back, into old habits, old attitudes, old ways. I've been doing a Yo-Yo all year, my first year in Phoenix, from conviction and doubt, from acceptance to denial... you name it, I've felt it, every high and every low.


And what I've learned is this: It is okay. 

Yep. That's my nugget of wisdom: It is okay. 

It is okay to fail and doubt and wonder. It is okay to re-prioritize and change. And it is even better to come back and remember what it feels like to feel good, to feel like the best Eddy, the most energized and upbeat Eddy I can be. Because, as we've all learned tragically this week, the only thing I can control is me, and whether, when the moment comes, I run from fear of evil, or I run straight into that evil and be a force for good.

So, I'm a week back in taking control of what I am doing, and not just letting the emotions of the day buffet me from moment to moment without anchor. I'm in control of this. I need help and can't do it by myself (thank you God), but I am tired of sabotaging my own well being.

I'm 6 days off sugar. I'm 6 days in on calorie counting and consistently exercising. If past performance is an indicator of future performance, I've been good for a couple of weeks then fall back... but I want to feel good again, and I want to be healthy, and if I keep my mind on that, I'm hoping that I can stop this Yo-Yo before it happens again.