One simple little word. It has become a sadness and a joy. It is both good and bad. In my mind right now, it conjures up a whole range of emotions.
The obvious: The move to Arizona was hard on me. The physical change. The climate change. The impact to the fitness goals I had set this year. All of it was overwhelming and not all bad. The move brought my family closer to my sister's family. I have kids who know and see their cousins all the time. The move changed the focus of our family. The change of our work habits, our budget, our house, our schedule. It was a juggling that I didn't adapt to so well. I lost myself in it. I didn't feel like myself. I did know how to forgive myself when things became harder than they've been. I didn't know how to focus or what to say. So, I didn't. Say anything.
"All experience is an arch wherethrough gleams that untraveled world whose margin fades for ever and for ever when I move. " - Alfred Lord Tennyson
The mental move: another hard one. In very much the same way I looked in the mirror in 2010 and said: "Screw it, I'm tired of being fat.", today I say, "Screw it. I'm tired of not being myself." I've let fear creep back into my life. It isn't hard to see. It has been slapped all over Facebook for the past 3 months. Fear of what I'm seeing on the news. Fear of the safety issues that are unknown to us, fear of things I cannot control. Fear of the political battles in this country and the potential impact of those issues to me, my family and my children. Fear of losing my freedom. I can't do it anymore. It is exhausting and it is not me. I've struggled with whether to cut ties to old friends. I've struggled over whether to withdraw. I've struggled with whether to embrace my inner hippie. I've struggled with whether to continue speak up or shut up (yes, folks, I actually do try to hold my tongue).
"All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable and those that move." - Benjamin Franklin
These a big hefty questions that move you. They are the kid of questions that you stay up late mulling over in bed. They are the kinds of discussions that we didn't have before we got married but I'm so glad we are having them now. Moving together, I am addressing my fears, opening the Bible, and seeking knowledge. Together we now have a vision of what we want our lives and our family to be about. They've moved me to accept those things that I cannot change and move on to those that I can.