Last weekend, I joined my sister and my mother at a women's church retreat in Carefree AZ. Given that it was a women's retreat, the topic (predictably... what theme would a men's retreat have?) focused on giving your worries to God, having faith, rejoicing in our female friendships, and finding peace in our hectic and expectation-filled lives.
In other words, "Be still and know that I am God!" -- Psalm 46:10
Our retreat included song, reflection, prayer, fellowship and questioning. I had time to think back about a lot of things in my life that have been buried by more recent things.... times when I felt God's presence, times when I felt peace, times when I felt wholly whole and full of the Holy Spirit.
You don't have to be be Christian to have these times. Many of the times I felt the nearest to God, I was the farthest from the Church. But I digress... (another topic, another blog post).
We asked ourselves: When was the last time you were truly still? What does it take for you to be still?
As per usual, Eddy is totally backwards on this point. When am I the most 'still'? When I am the most active.
I have found more moments of silence, peace and awe while I was running. For me, I have to take all that energy.. energy that is usually destructive.. anxiety eating away at my confidence... and pour it out, so that nothing is left to think about. I literally have to run myself into exhaustion. And in that moment, I can let go. Give up the control. Give up the worry. It is yours God. Take it. I've got nothing left.
I envy those who can find stillness without acting like a crazy person.
I wish I could meditate myself into stillness.
I wish I could pray myself into stillness.
I wish I could work myself into stillness.
I wish I could....
And right now, I'm even struggling to run myself into stillness. I haven't found stillness in a while and it is starting to show.
I'm going to try to meditate...
try to pray...
try to work...
try to run...
I'm not going to fight for control. I'm going to let it go. Take it God, I'm yours. I want to be still. Be still and run.