Thursday, January 5, 2012

Just Enjoy the Show

After adjusting my Patriots (Brady is my boyfriend) tee shirt - actually, pulling it down so that who ever was standing behind me while I did my plank leg lifts didn't have to see my jiggly tummy - I stood up to look at my training plan. Standing there, I looked up. Caught a glimpse of myself in the mirrored wall at the gym.

"Holy cr@p, I'm skinny."

And then a second thought.... "Well, not really skinny, but skinny for me."

When I started this blog back in September 2010, I distinctly remember blogging that I was dysfunctional because despite the weight, I still saw my good looking not-so-fat self in the mirror. Now, here I am, not-so-fat, and I can't see the skinny. That just seems a bit horrible, don't you think? Denial when I was fat, and disbelief when I am fit. I never thought of myself as someone who didn't believe in herself - or see herself as she was - but now, I am not so sure. Is this really me? Who am I now?

Occasionally, I get a glimpse of that new Girl. A moment in a run when I feel invincible. Or I've caught a glimpse of my shadow, and while I chase her I think, "Wow. Who knew?" There are other moments when I feel the pride. And pretty much every day I head out the door, I am running to chase that shadow of a girl that I saw - the glimpse of the potential me. Fear got me off the couch in 2010. I didn't know how much I could do then. I'm getting a better idea of my potential every day, but fear is still the motivator. Fear of sitting back down again. Being benched in my own game.

So, I run. I keep putting myself out there. I keep finding moments, albeit brief, of glory. In case you haven't figured it out yet, it is seriously addicting - the glory part. I'm after it. This morning my moment of glory came with this song on Pandora. I think I'm a new fan. I got a ticket to the show.

1 comment:

Ali Mc said...

I think all women dispite their size go through a rough time in regards to body image. In december I starting a challenge for myself - it was this. ANY time I would think or say something negative about my body, I would change it into a positive.

SO if I thought I was fat, I'd say something like oh I just love my buddha belly :)

Just found you through Holly, have an awesome day!