Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Quitting, certainly

I don't like quitting. Anything. I have this internal sense of trying to keep people who have expectations of me - happy. I've had this with certain teachers, certain friends, certain family members - certainly my hubs, certainly happy with me. I don't like disappointing people. Who does?

I've been bouncing about since my goal accomplishment this summer. I've been playing, certainly. I've been testing the waters on a couple of things. I took up riding lessons. I flirted with half leasing a horse.

I tried running longer, shorter, faster.

Certainly, I've eaten too much.

I am certain that I have no idea what I am doing. It unsettles me. For the last year, I was certain about what to do. Lose Weight. Eat less calories than I burn. It is complicated, but simple when you boil it down.

The past two weeks I've been trying to get my focus back. I've enjoyed dabbling in this and that. Certainly, I still have things I want to do (skiing, for one, when the snow really hits), places I want to go (half marathon in Bermuda, anyone?).

I've made a couple of decisions:

1. My time and resources are limited. This sounds silly, but I need to realize I can't do everything. Certain 2012 changes will impact my work life balance. I have to take that into consideration when determining what to do next. The fact of the matter is that there are certain things I won't sacrifice. My husband, my kids, and my work have got to all have their time in my day.

2. I like running best. When I considered the cost benefit, time commitment of running versus the other activity that I have going - horseback riding - I realized that I like running better. This is a big step for me. I've always had this vision of riding as the height of sophistication. I love the idea of riding. But when I really got honest about it, I didn't actually enjoy it that much. I also didn't see what the end game was - what am I riding for? I'm not going to show. I'm not going to own a horse. I'm not going to go on some cross Ireland trek (as much as I'd like to). The time, money and dependence on animals and people outside of my control ultimately persuaded me to quit riding for now. (I reserve the right to reconsider in the event that 1. we win the lottery or 2. come into some other monetary windfall that allows me to be the kept woman that we all know is my true destiny.)

I'll say it more certainly - I honestly like running. I also like that I can do it seemingly anywhere anytime without much preparation or investment. I can literally see myself getting somewhere. In May, I ran 2 miles. In June, I ran 3 miles. In August, I was running 4 miles. Now, I can almost 12 miles without dying (well, I did that only once to be honest). Running seems to be a place where I can find out what I am capable of - set goals - and achieve them, while maintaining my weight loss.

So, yeah. I quit. I certainly have mixed feelings about it all. I certainly don't like telling people, my instructor, my friends, my husband, that I've decided to quit. There is, certainly, one person who isn't too sad about it - that is, my mother. She never understood why I would want to ride a 1,000 lb animal that could toss me on the ground. Certainly, she maybe onto something there.

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