Monday, October 24, 2011

Forcing myself to say something

I'm out of sorts and I don't feel like talking about it. I've gone inside myself over the last month. I can't say it has been any particular thing that has caused it. It is a sort of a let down. A minor depression cycle of fall, maybe.

It has got me thinking.

A lot of people who lose weight gain it back. I can see why now. It is really hard work to keep up this momentum. If I eat too much I have to exercise harder to maintain. Counting calories has lost its allure and I've had a taste of sugar and I'm jonesing for some more. That's the easy answer.

My running stats for the last week:

Count: 5 Activities
Distance: 22.69 mi
Time: 3:43:34 h:m:s
Avg Speed: 6.1 mph
Avg HR: 152 bpm
Calories: 2,871 C

The harder issue is that so much has changed. And not all of the change has been good. The good change is obvious. I feel better. I look better. I'm healthier. The subtle changes are less obvious. I feel fractured because I don't recognize myself. I'm selfish about my time, my workout, my new routines. I'm less intimate. I can't seem to find it within myself to give outwardly. I've got no words. I don't want to talk about it. I just feel like a little bit of an alien to myself and that spills over into my most important relationship.

I don't know how to fix it and I'm not wanting answers right now. I just need to put this out there. It has been an amazing transformation, but there are some things that I lost that I'd like back now.

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