Monday, July 18, 2011

Willpower


When I started all of this--- the changes, the diet, the exercise, the caring --- I remember how worried I was about whether or not I could do it. Being here alone, in the basement, feeding my boredom, feeding my anxiety... would I be able to stop myself from raiding the kitchen and getting that immediate satisfaction? I remember being worried about being hungry. Worried about being able to resist. To say no. To skip sugar, ice cream, chips. Worried about how I would feel about seeing my toddler's treats.

And as I started into the changes, I was surprised by how much strength I was able to muster. I was able to say no. I was able to pass on the sugary concoction, the ice cream, the cheesy potatoes. I even recall skipping stuffing at Thanksgiving. I was calling on reserves of willpower that I never knew I had.

Well, Willpower, I call on you now.

I've really been struggling with saying no. Bites and tastes and nibbles are clouding my judgment and pushing my daily calories over the limit. Part of me has rationalized the extra bites by cataloging the calories burned. Something along the lines of - I've run 5 miles - I should be able to have a bite of Mac 'n Cheese. But one bite turns into two, and suddenly that run can't offset the calories.

Add to the equation that at my now much reduced size, the calories that I have to limit myself to lose weight is far less than it was say, 90 lbs ago. My old habit are keeping me more in the maintenance category rather than the losing category. My new body needs far less calories to get around that my old one. My fit body is efficient. I've worked hard for this efficiency but I've got to tame that hunger beast! Willpower I call on you now!

My goal of losing 100 lbs had gone from sounding seemingly realistic to daunting. Now, granted, I sort of gave myself an arbitrary date to achieve this goal, but aren't all goals arbitrary? I mean, I could have given myself until Christmas, in which case I'd have a whole bunch of time to be losing a pound a week... but alas, I only gave myself a year. My blog post of 8/31/10 was the start of all this -- so, I am trying... lord, I am trying... to reach 100 lbs by that date.

Suddenly, it doesn't seem as if I have much time left.

Weight loss this week: 1 lbs
Total loss to date: 92.5 lbs
Weight to go: 7.5 lbs

And my weekly running stats:

Distance: 11.33 mi
Time: 02:00:18 h:m:s
Elevation Gain: 253 ft
Avg Speed: 5.7 mph
Avg HR: 154 bpm
Calories: 1,455 C

It is going to be hot this week, so I suspect I will need to put my running shoes on hiatus for a couple of days. I tried to run on Saturday and it was just too blasted hot. I am going to shake it up with some pool time and Tony Horton time. Bring it!

Oh, and in other news... size 12, you are my new friend. I will declare that I am a now a bonified size 12 as evidenced by the fitting rooms of The Loft, J Jill, Marshalls and Banana Republic. I can't remember a time in my adult life that I routinely fit into size 12.

2 comments:

Jenn @ A Runner's Road said...

I am on a different road but I feel like it runs parallel to yours. My willpower came when I ran my first official race. It was such an emotional day. You have come extremely far, and when 8/13 rolls around, I have a feeling you will be going even stronger! Sign up for a race will ya?!
BTW, your weekly mirage kicks butt!

agirlcallededdy said...

Thanks Jenn! This heat is killin me! I can't do the miles in this weather. I will do a race, I am just trying to stay with the original goal - the weight - then I will assess where I am and where I want to go. I am thinkin I am a runner now. The days I don't run I just don't feel the same... what has happened to me?!