Tuesday, June 7, 2011


The edge. I am looking forward. I am looking back. I am looking down. I am looking up. There are so many ways to go from here.

I've been very on edge the past few weeks. I am not sure what it is. I've rationalized a lot of "what if's" but nothing seems to make sense.

I posted in the forum of My Food Diary and I got an interesting and thought provoking response today. The responder said something to the effect of:

Sometimes as we approach the end of a large project (weight loss), we can become ambivalent, out of sorts, unfocused, angry, etc. It has to do with completion and accepting the next phase. Your feelings may be originating in one place and manifesting in another.

Hmmm. Go figure. Here I was thinking that having lost all this weight that I would be partying until the cows come home and it turns out I am just disgruntled. Who would have seen that coming?!

I feel almost like I am in therapy. Now that I have dealt with the most obvious manifestation of my "issues", (that is the extra Mara that I have been shuffling around with me all these years), I am finally exposed to address the actual question...

What am I going to do now?

There seem to be very simple and easy answers to this innocuous question. Like..

I am going to keep going.
I am going to maintain.
I will keep working hard.
I will live outside of myself.
I will find my purpose.

It is that last one that baffles me. I have been very MARA focused this past year. I have been consumed with my time, my exercise, my food, my clothes, my body. It has been physical. The year of Mara.

My purpose must be something outside of me. It can't be purely physical. I need to address my emotional and spiritual needs. And that is even more daunting than what I tackled in the year of Mara. I've got to find my purpose.

So, here I am standing at the edge of the cliff. I am not afraid to jump. I am just not sure where I am going to land.

Or perhaps, I will just find a bench.

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