Monday, January 31, 2011


Today is January 31, 2011. It is exactly 5 months (somehow I thought it was more) since I changed the way I was living.

The normal weigh in and some milestones:

Weight Loss this week: 3 lbs
Total Loss to date: 66.5lbs

Thrilled to finally get passed the 65lbs threshold where I had been hovering for a couple of weeks!

Weight to go to next Goal: 8 lbs (75 lbs loss goal)

Pants sizes down: 4 sizes (24 to 16)
Shirt sizes down: 4 sizes (3X to XL)
Bra sizes down: 4 band width sizes, 2 cup sizes. (Go figure!)
Ring sizes: .25 (I've swapped out my actual wedding set for fear of them falling off.)

We celebrated Xanthe's 3rd Birthday this week, and in solidarity, I lost 3 lbs. It is a nice way to get back on the losing side of the scale. I am very motivated to see my next goal met. And happy that some of the pictures are starting to show the face that I haven't seen in so long.

Thanks for all the encouragement. I wouldn't have been able to stick with it without you all! Feel the love?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Happy Birthday Xanthe June!

Dear Xanthe June,

Today is your third birthday! It is super exciting but I am not sure that you truly understand what it means, exactly. A birthday is the anniversary of the day that you were born. We've been telling you that your birthday "is coming up", "is this week", "is Friday", "is January 28th". What it really means is that we are celebrating the beginning of the 4th year of your life, and that you, my little princess, have already been alive for 3 years.

A birthday makes your Mommy think of a lot of things. I remember with piercing emotional clarity the day before, the morning of, and the moment of your birth. I remember the fear and elation, the joy and the pride. Your Mommy & Daddy were full of awesome wonder that day, anticipating all the dreams, happiness and laughter you would bring to our lives. And we had only a hint of how impactful you would be to our family and our love.

And here you are. Our little princess. You never cease to surprise us with your frank assessments and impromptu declarations. You are sweet and sassy. This week you love, Super Why, pink, chocolate, dancing, peanutbutter sandwiches and dresses. Next week it will all be different. You never cease to surprise us. You are my big girl. My mini-me, my heart and my reasons.

This year for your birthday, you got your big girl bedroom. You also shared Disney Princess cupcakes with your friends at "school" (we love you Capitoland!). You partied with Grammy & Gramps.

Today, you will get lots of kisses and cuddles. Continue being a good listener. Try to remember to tell us when you need to use the potty, and soon, you will be able to take those dance lessons like you asked.

We love you.

Mommy, Daddy & Porter Caroline

Monday, January 24, 2011

Classic Blunders

Not sure why, but this quote has popped into my head this slightly headachy, rather well sated Monday morning:

Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia," but only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!

Or in my case...

Never pig out at the Melting Pot when you weigh in is the following morning! [laughs maniacally and then falls over dead]

Weigh in:

Weight loss this week: +1 (yep that's right folks, +++++++1)
Total loss to date: 63.5lbs

Reasons I am not beating myself up about this:

1. I had a fantastic time last night and I knew that my weigh in was going to suffer. You just can't eat cheese fondu, lobster, chocolate fondu and a whole bottle of merlot and not suffer some consequences....

2. I busted my butt this week. Every single day I woke up with sore core muscles. I can feel my body changing. My boobs are disappearing - no joke - my bra size has gone down 4 band sizes and 2 cup sizes. My legs are feeling great and my tummy, very stubbornly, is shrinking. So, a pound weight gain doesn't really impact me in the grand scheme of things.

3. The Marshals fitting room is my friend. I fit into some snazzy looking dresses last Wednesday afternoon. The first size 14 dress on my body in like, oh, 15 years. That victory prompted a little mini fashion show in my own closet, and that silly JJill velvet dress that I have transported to and from 4 different states finally fits again. Might not ever wear it, but I could if I wanted to.

So, Mr. Scale, you can't bring me down. I will get past this plateau. And just because the Princess Bride is the best movie ever:

Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work, work, work all the time.

You mock my pain!

Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

An Inspiration and other accusations

So more than one person this week has called me "an inspiration" or better yet... "damn you for making me do this.."

I want to defend myself on both points.

I am not an inspiration. I am just a woman fed up with what I had done to myself. I think a lot about things like personal responsibility, individual freedoms and risk in my job. Sometimes those topics spill over to my thoughts on politics as well. As much as I think people should be free to do, say, feel, worship or eat what they please, they should also be responsible for it.

What does that boil down to? It boils down to this. I made myself overweight.

The next realization.

I am the only person that can make myself less overweight.

It is pretty simple really. But in this day, and age, and culture, it is pretty easy to fall into the trap of... I will do it tomorrow, or I will find an easy way to undo it, or better yet, I will find someone else to undo it, or I am entitled to be this way or that.

I was a victim of feeling that I could get by without doing the work. The work of being personally responsible for what I was doing, or not doing, as the case may be. I was responsible for the consumption of ice cream and I was responsible for not excercising beyond huffing and puffing up the stairs.

So, don't look at me as some sort of miracle. I am not. I am working hard and taking ownership. It might behoove me to do this in all realms of my life, but at the mo, it is happening here in regards to weight. I am pretty sure my employer would like me to do the same at work, but that will have to wait for another day.

And on count two, don't blame me for making you lose weight or excercise... you got no one but yourself to blame. And someday, blame won't even be the issue. You might actually enjoy your new habit. I do.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Potato Zucchini Pancakes

I am back from my new favorite breakfast indulgence... Potato Zucchini Pancakes from either Monty's Blue Plate or Hubbard Ave. Diner (same owners, different places, different menus EXCEPT both offer my pancakes). My taste buds delight in the herbaceous onion potato cake topped with the dollop of the cranberry apple sauce and a taste of sour cream. It is a good thing that I like these now, instead of some yummy pancake concoction topped with delicious pure maple syrup.

It is a good day.

Weight loss this week: 3.5lbs
Total weight loss to date: 64.5lbs

I am enjoying the luxury of a closed office and an open daycare today. I am suffering some guilt for the 3 loads of laundry that are sitting unfolded in my bedroom, and the pictures that have yet to be hung in the girls room, and the cast-offs taking up residence in Porter's room, not to mention the several snack cups worth of Cheerios that are littering our living room... and I could go on and on.. but nonetheless, I have every intention of sitting on this horribly ugly couch and watching Twilight with my honey. Priorities.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011



Having a midweek lull and a bit of a wandering in my mind these days about time, goals, true callings. The phrase 'existential crisis' sort of floats thru my consciousness. This morning I even thought I wanted to have another baby, that is how random and unpredictable my feelings and thoughts are these days. Rest assured, I quickly placed that thought far far away in the back of my brain. Clearly, I am careening between elation and frustration almost minute by minute this week.

So, it is time to stop. And take a picture.

This is who I am and where I am now. I think I mentioned a while back that I don't own a mirror. I've never really sought them out and frankly, not having a mirror was a nice crutch for the denial that I had lived in about my weight. I may buy one. I may need to buy a mirror so that I keep seeing myself. I mean that in both a physical and spiritual way.

I am still not entirely happy with what I see. I am, however, starting to see me. The real me. The me I used to know. The happy me. The me who does things, hopes things, isn't afraid of things. The me who wants to live and exist. So, really I guess an existential crisis right now, isn't a bad thing. There just seem a lot more opportunities of existing now than there were 60 lbs ago.
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Monday, January 10, 2011


It is with a certain amount of disappointment that I sit here this morning. With my new goals set forth, I worked really hard this week. I worked out 6 days, mixing yoga, strength training, cardio. Working hard on my new Golds Gym Dance Workout as well as other old favorites. I can feel my body changing. So, it is with some saddness that I can only report the following:

Loss this week: 2 lbs
Total loss to date: 61 lbs

Even with the smaller loss, I am thrilled with the total to date. 61 lbs. I have been flirting with that 60 lbs mark for a while now, and I am happy to have it official. Three times twenty, six times ten. That is an accomplishment I can be proud of.

Ok, gotta get to my workout..... I hope I see more lbs drop this week!

Monday, January 3, 2011


Goodmorning 2011. I'm not a big fan of New Years resolutions. I've done them a couple of years and never had much success. I do think that New Years is a good time for reflection and I have found myself flirting with nastalgia in the past week.

I have also declared my next two weight loss goals as follows:

Total loss of 75 lbs by 4/7/11 (my birthday) and
Total loss of 100 lbs by 8/31/11 (1 year anniversary of the start of this journey).

I think that those are realistic but ambitious goals. I will declare this weigh in my starting point for 2011:

Loss this week: 4 lbs
Total loss to date: 59 lbs
Jean sizes down: 4 (Sz 16 from Sz 24)

It is going to get harder, I know. I've been very lucky that the pounds have continued to sort of fall off my body, despite my general lack of sweating and work. I attribute this to my diet more than anything. I can't say enough about diarying what you eat. It makes you so aware of what passes your lips. It has given me an awareness of nutrition in a new way. I am still on, although, I sort of feel at this point, pretty well educated in what I can and can't eat.

To get down to that 100 lbs lost mark, I know I am going to have to embark on a more ambitious excercise routine. So far, I've done well with the Wii. I am not sure if the gaming will continue to do the job. I've had my eye on an aquatic bootcamp class at a local gym, but I am nervous that I don't have the stamina yet. I am going to see how it goes. If I hit a plateau, I will re-evaluate what I am doing in terms of excercise.

The ultimate goal: to feel great. And I already do. I've got two beautiful toddlers that fight over my lap! I can fit both of them on my lap now... whereas before, I really didn't have a lap for anyone. THAT is what it is all about.