Saturday, June 7, 2008

If blogs be the diaries of the future, write on..........

I used to keep diaries. Sweet little patterned books that held the stories of my teenage world. Self absorbed diatribes of who I like, what was said, explorations, rejections and inspections. Into college, I let my diary become my place for examination... did this happen really as I remember it? Lets check the entry.. oh, right... thats how it happened. Why did it matter?

It matters because, I am now 31.. I still feel like a teenager. I will completely forget how old I am, and when walking through the mall.. look at 18, 20, 22 year olds.... well, I guess that's how old they are, and think that I still look like them. Just a split second. Then I will realize, they look at me, and what they must think.. that sad lady. Even though I still wear basically what I wore in college, and my hair is basically the same as it always was... I look, well... worn. The same way that the pages of my diaries are. Worn with review and reliving... worn with wonder at missed opportunities, fears and loves....

Several months ago, I happened upon those diaries. And my favorite diary covered in horses with unlined blank pages the 1998-99 diary from my year abroad at the University of Durham. That year, I spent many cold winter weeks angsting in Berlin over the Christmas break. An orange pen fit my mood those days. Many many pages of my diary had been penned in orange. Memories of cafes, trains, and kebobs. But time had stolen the ink away... I opened my diary, anxious for a look, a sweet memory of my youth.

The pages were blank. I felt like I was suffering from emotional Alzheimer's. Those days were gone, someone else lived them, someone else wrote them down to make them realer... and now, someone else was remembering them. Blank pages.

But blank pages linger in my future too. And like the past, those will be worth writing down as well.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

As old as we get, we still feel 'stuck' at some age...I still do a double take when I see myself in a mirror.... Even Dad said he couldn't believe he was old enough to see his babites having babies... so sorry about that orange pen - hope it wasn't one of mine! LOL, LMP

Anonymous said...

Ok so I am officially hooked on your blog. How many nights would we spend in like 9th grade sitting on your bed (feather tick - I still remember) with you reading past entries - I swear sometimes it actually felt like until I heard you read about a day, an event, a ski trip, drama then it hadn't actually happened. Oddly reassuring that you continued to keep a journal all these years. Of course you need to blog, it's so the natural extension. This Jenn BTW in case you haven't figured it out.